Episode 5 — To Kill a Mocking Alan

Alan to his listeners : That was Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark with some classic electro-rock from their album "Architecture and Morality". Two subjects I'm sure we can discuss all night. Indeed the lines are open if you want to call, make a comment on either architecture or morality, two equally hot, but differently-shaped potatoes. Chips and… crinkle-cut chips. So give me a call – PLEASE! Seriously though, DO give me a call. It's 4:50am, the Queen is dead, long live the King's Singers.

Alan: Now we've had several calls during the last few hours, about a humorous comment I made some time ago. Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners, and a newspaper. So just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth II is not dead. Unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid. Just coming up to seven o'clock. Gadzooks! It's the noble Sir David Clifton of Radioshire. Good morning to you, sir.

Dave: Arise, Sir Alan of Partridge.

Alan: Shall we stop talking in this medieval way? What's on your show today, Dave?

Dave: Right. Get dialling. If you want to try and cross the Clifton suspension quiz, the prize money has soared to an incredible £11,000.

Alan [Fantasising about lap dancing] : You're sexy. Sorry.

Dave: Yes! I didn't know you cared, Alan! That was OAP, Old Alan Partridge.

Alan: I'm not old! I'm 43, you cheeky git!

Dave: And this is Blue Oyster Cult, from the album "Agents Of Fortune"

Alan [Singing War of the Worlds] : The chances of anything coming from Mars, are a million to one…

Michael: Aye, morning.

Alan [Finger raised indicating he doesn't want to be interrupted] : But still they come.

Michael: Morning, Mr Partridge. Hey "War of the Worlds".

Alan: "Wild Woods"?

Michael: No, no. "War of the Worlds". I'm playing guess the tune.

Alan: Oh, "War of the Worlds", that's right, yes.

Michael: So what do you reckon? "3PM — An Afternoon with Alan Partridge, with special celebrity guest star, Sue Cook."

Alan: Yeah. Could you just put "Plus Sue Cook"? I suppose the good thing about this is you can't hear your Geordie accent on the board. You should turn this into a sandwich board, and you could press onto your chest what you're trying to say. Sort of a primitive form of Stephen Hawking's voice box. The good thing about Stephen Hawking is, he is clear.

Jed: It's you isn't it? You're Alan Partridge.

Alan: Yes, I am.

Jed: I don't believe it! I'm your biggest fan. I'm coming to your afternoon. I've got my ticket. Shake my hand!

Alan: There you go.

Jed: What's it about then, Alan?

Alan: It's basically a TV show that's not on TV.

Jed: Really?

Alan: It's like Kilroy, but with tea, Wagon Wheels and Sue Cook.

Jed: Oh brilliant! I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to shake your hand.

Alan: I can see that, you're obviously enjoying yourself.

Jed: Yeah!

Alan: You're not going to let it go are you?

Jed: No!

Alan: Can I have it back?

Jed: It's so nice that you let your fans have a chance to meet you. A lot of them don't. They forget it's fans like us that make you what you are.

Alan: I don't actually agree with that. I know some people do, but I don't.

Jed: I couldn't ask you for your autograph could I?

Alan: Yes, certainly. What's your name?

Jed: Jed, Jed Maxwell.

Alan: Jed Maxwell. You're no relation to Robert Maxwell?

Jed: No.

Alan: You're not going to go all fat and steal my pension?

Jed: No.

Alan: Just a joke.

Jed: I'm so excited.

Alan: Actually. Could you ask me for this later in front of some important people?

Jed: You've done it now.

Alan: Yeah, but it just says "To Jed Maxwell from Alan".

Jed: It's better, it sounds like you know me.

Alan: Right OK, well there you go "To Jed Maxwell from Alan Smith". Who's he? Never heard of him. I'm expecting two television executives from RTE who are coming over from Dublin. We're going to be brunching in there.

Jed: Can I shake your hand again?

Alan: No. You've had enough of that. It would make me look very important if you would ask for my autograph in front of them. You know, and shake my hand… later!

Jed: Never you mind, Alan. You can rely on me.

Jed to Susan : It's Alan Partridge! I can't believe it!

Jed to Alan : Ahh, you haven't lost it Alan. I don't care what they say. See you later.

Alan to Susan : Susan. Hmm, that's a nice smell. Is that new perfume?

Susan: Yes it is.

Alan: Ahh, it's very nice. What is it?

Susan: Well my fiancé bought it…

Alan: Yeah, I didn't ask you who bought it for you, I just asked you what it is.

Susan: It's Ralph Lauren.

Alan: Can I have a sniff?

Susan: Yeah, sure.

Alan [Sniffing Susan's neck] : Actually, sorry. I shouldn't touch members of staff. Unless I'm reprimanding them, and then I'll put you across my knee and smack your bare bottoms.

Sophie to Alan : Oh, there was a call for you. A Mr Nishead rang.

Alan: Right, never heard of him. Did he leave a first name?

Sophie: No. It was just a Mr P Nishead.

Alan: Sophie, that's a crank call. It's another crank call.

Sophie: Is it?

Alan: Read it back to yourself.

Sophie: Oh yeah. I can see what he's done now. Shall I put it on the list with all the others?

Alan: If you would. Actually, can I have a look at that list, I want to get to the bottom of this. Mr G String. Mr Nick Hers, Y Fronts. Mr T Osser. That doesn't even work. Mr B Oddie, this is Bill Oddie. It's not a crank call. Why have you put it on there?

Susan: Well, we thought it looked like "body".

Alan: What's rude about a body?

Sophie: Tits?

[Ben enters the scene, adjusting his tie]

Ben: Good morning, Sophie.

Sophie: Good morning, Ben. Did you sleep well?

Ben: Yeah. It was a good night last night, wasn't it?

Alan: If you're professional and you know you're working in the morning, then you would have got your head down about midnight?

Ben: Yeah. I got my head down all right.

Alan: I've had some pretty late night sessions myself. Yeah. In 1976, I saw ELO at the Birmingham NEC. I was there shouting with everyone else "Come back on, ELO, and carry on playing!".

Susan: Alan, your PA's arrived

Alan: Lynn, let me take that. Right, Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge, and the Wagon Wheels. Excellent. There you go

Ben to Lynn : Can I take that for you?

Lynn: Oh, how very thoughtful.

Ben: You're welcome.

Alan: I'll take it, I'll take it.

Alan: This'll happen to you when you hit 40.

Alan to Lynn : It's cutting into my fingers

Lynn: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Alan: Can you smell my breath?

Lynn: It smells a bit like gas.

Alan: You know what that is, don't you?

Lynn: No?

Alan: It's those scotch eggs we had at the petrol station last night. What time was that?

Lynn: About quarter to 11.

Alan: Yeah, it's going to be in the system till about four.

Lynn: Right, I'll buy a packet of mints.

Susan: Excuse me, Alan? There's an urgent call for you.

Alan: Right. You go on up, Lynn.

Alan on the phone : Hello? Right. Well, where are you? Oh, come on! Oh this is… Oh, that's bang out of order! Whoa, take a look in the mirror! What? Pardon? No, I've got a better idea, why don't you shove it up your arse? [Slams down the phone] Sue Cook's pulled out.

[Alan heads over to Michael]

Alan to Michael : Michael, change that to "An Afternoon with Just Alan Partridge".

Michael: OK. Roger and out.

Alan: We're not on short-wave radio. Actually, it is quite eye-catching. I suppose that's the opposite of what you were taught in the army. You know, camouflage.

Michael: Aye. Well, I also done this course at the Army School of Commando Training. What we had to do was target identification, right. You had to gang into this big building, full of people. You have to identify the hostages and the terrorists, and take out the terrorists. I've sort of employed it here, like.

Alan: Do you know, I know exactly what you mean. Because, a couple of weeks ago, I was doing a corporate for Allied Dunbar. Afterwards a bunch of us went down to Laser Quest. In there, very scary, seconds count. You know, really quick on the draw, quick on the draw!

Michael: No, no, you see. Look, here. If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon, right. What you want to dee is, when you draw your weapon…

Alan: It's great this, I love this.

Michael: It's nee laughing matter. When you draw your weapon, right, draw your weapon make it as smooth as you possibly can. So draw, hold, fix and fire, and then just move and fire, and move and fire, and move and fire, and move and fire!…

Alan: Get back in the lift, Lynn!

Michael: Reload! I'm up!

Susan: MICHAEL! What do you think you're doing?

Michael: I'm sorry.

Michael: So, do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you?

Alan: God no! Oh, I see!

Alan: I must say, I'm very grateful you've come over. Big fans of all the Irish, stuff. I love your pop music. Enya… and the other one. Ripped up the Pope. Bald chap. And I think, that's it.

Aidan: Well, there's U2, of course.

Alan: Yeah, U2. Oh, fantastic. Sunday Bloody Sunday. Really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday. You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers. The kids are running around. You've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think "Sunday, bloody Sunday!"

Aidan: I really hate to do this to you, Alan, but it's actually a song about…

Paul: Yeah. Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.

Alan: Massacre. Urgh! Not playing that again.

Aidan: I must say, this is a really horrible hotel. Who stays in a place like this.

Paul: Terrible. It's so sterile here.

Lynn: Yes, it is.

Aidan: The staff are polite, but it's as if their smiles are…

Lynn: Painted on.

Aidan: Yeah, exactly.

Alan: Yeah, they are. It's very false, isn't it? I mean the great thing about this hotel is its situation. It's equidistant between London and Norwich. That's the genius of its location. Even though I do hate it and I don't live here, I just pop in for breakfast.

Susan: Hello, Alan.

Alan: Which is why she knows my name. Hello, Susan. Just clocking the name tag there. Can we have four full British Isles breakfasts, please?

Susan: Certainly.

Alan: Yeah. You robot! I wouldn't be surprised if she went into the kitchen, opened her chest up, stuck in a screw driver and turned her smile up. It's a nice chest, but full of wires.

Aidan: Do you smell gas?

Lynn to Alan : Do you want a mint?

Alan: The food will probably…

Lynn: It will just break it down.

Alan: Break it down, yes. Actually, I'll pop and get some ruby grapefruit juice, that'll help too.

Lynn to the RTE executives : Where are you from in Ireland?

Paul: Well, Aidan is from Selbridge, which is near Dublin. And I'm originally from West Cork.

Lynn: Oh, whereabouts?

Paul: You know Skibbereen?

Lynn: Oh, Skibbereen! Oh, I used to go there as a little child. And I used to go on nature trails, and I used to spot flowers. And Mummy used to say…

Alan: There we go. Ruby grapefruit juice. I thought I'd take the whole jug in case it's all quaffed by R2D2 over there.

Susan: Tea, coffee?

Alan: Tea or coffee, tea or coffee. Four teas please.

Aidan: You ever been to Ireland, Alan?

Alan: No, no. I'd love to go.

Aidan: It amazes me when people say that and it's only 49 quid on a plane.

Alan: Yeah. I think that's what puts me off. Well, that's the small talk. Now let's get down to business. Now, your programme… what's de big oi-dea.

Paul: Well the "big oi-dea" is we want to produce a show that appeals to modern, mainstream audiences on both sides of the Irish sea…

[Alan falls into another daydream, this time he fantasises about lap dancing for the RTE executives, who are dressed as IRA terrorists]

Alan [in his fantasy] : Ooooh! Scary Irish men! Would you like to recruit me? I like your beret's. They're worn by Saddam Hussein, Frank Spencer and the French.

[Alan snaps out of his daydream]

Paul: [Continuing] …the culture of both countries.

Alan: I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness. Horses running through council estates. Toothless simpletons. People with eyebrows on their cheeks. Badly tarmacked drives, in this country. Men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings. Lots of rocks, and Beamish. I think people are saying "Yes, there's more to Ireland than this". A good slogan for the tourist board "There's more to Oi-reland, DAN DIS.".

Susan: There we go.

Alan: Thanks very much. You blonde bastard… From the future.

Alan: This looks disgusting. Still, might as well eat it. So, how many people were killed in the Irish famine?

Aidan: Erm. Two million, and another two million had to leave the country.

Alan: Right. If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day, you will pay the price if you are a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, then they could afford to eat in a modest restaurant. Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I'm trying to get an angle on this.

Paul: You see, Alan. I think you are increasingly moving towards an area we want to move away from.

Alan: Yep, you're absolutely right. Live TV can blow up in your face. Sorry about that. You must be sick of that.

Aidan: Of what?

Alan: You know, being blown up, bombs.

Aidan: I'm from Dublin. Not in Dublin.

Alan: But that's where you make them. You've come all this way, and it seems to me you are being a little bit negative.

Aidan: No, I was interested in something, earlier. Lynn, what you were talking about when you went to Skibbereen, as a child.

Paul: That was interesting.

Aidan: I think there might be something in that.

Paul: Yeah.

Aidan: I would be interested to know, if at the time, did you have any friends or cousins over, while you were there?

[Jed walks over to the table, while the RTE executives talk to Lynn]

Jed: Excuse me, Mr Partridge, can I have your autograph, please?